Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Don't do the math...

By the way, this post is about monthly girly girl personal stuff, so if that topic is TMI for you and you don't want to read it, please click away and come back another day. Thanks.

My husband is very patient and sympathetic to my girly complaints. But just a few days ago we had a brief conversation that got me to thinking that as sympathetic as he is... he really doesn't know what we go through. Surprise, I know. He happened to be with me in the bathroom when I had just discovered it was that time of the month AGAIN. I groaned and complained, of course. This was our conversation:

Me: "Oh maaaan. I just got my period."
Him: "Sorry."
Me: "I hate getting my period. I'm so tired of getting my period."
Him: "Well, it doesn't last too long..."
Me: "What?! I've been getting my period for a long time. It sure feels like its been lasting a long time to me."

End of conversation. I wasn't even mad. Until I started thinking exactly how long it has been that I've been getting my period. And if I stacked all of those days together right in a row, how many days of my life so far have I spent having my period?

So I made the mistake and did the math.

30 years x 12 months in a year x 6 days average per period = 2,160 days.

To be fair, I'll subtract out the days that I didn't get my period because I was either pregnant or nursing, which turned out to be 276 days. I just knew those kids were good for something other than a tax deduction! ;) So....

2,160 - 276 = 1,884 days of cramping, bleeding, bloating, etc., feminine product hell

That's approximately 5 YEARS, 1 MONTH and 28 DAYS! And counting! And let me tell you, for the first 15 years--or 1080 days--of my menstruating life, approximately 180 days were spent in bed with the shakes, cold sweats, and vomiting misery. I used to be very ill that first day until I went on the pill at around 20 years old and then later had babies. Seriously, those first days were worse than the labor pains of both my girls added together--and my second birth was 100% natural as in no drugs, no IV, not even a heparin lock! 180 DAYS!!! The equivalent of six straight months of my life was spent feeling like that. IMAGINE IT'S LIKE I SURVIVED SIX MONTHS STRAIGHT LABOR PAINS WITHOUT AN EPIDURAL OR EVEN TYLENOL! And I'm just an average girl. I'm sure there are countless women who have or will have endured the same and worse than me as a result of something so simple and natural as menstruation.

I should have never done these calculations. Now I'm really pissed. At mother nature, or my husband, I'm not really sure.

I sat down at my laptop this morning, thinking I was going to email my husband the results of my calculations. I'll show him. But he emailed me first and sent me this [bookstore coupon] and told me he also left some cash for me on the dining room table from a camera lens he sold off craigslist yesterday. Awww. Maybe I'm not that mad at after all. Because tonight? I'M GOING SHOPPING!!!!!

And its good to be a girl, isn't it? 


  1. Holy bleepity bleep!

    Grrrrllll, I'm the same age as you so that means I'm roughly at that five year mark too! I agree, this is something to get pissed about. Is it just me or does this kind of stuff really start to bother once the 30 year mark rears its head?

    But good show by that hubby of yours in the end!

  2. Someday I want to throw my ovaries out the window. Cramps are evil.
    God help me if I ever go through labor.

  3. Oh, boy, I don't know if I'm happy about this calculation either! And then what do you get? Menopause.

    But what a sweet husband to find you that coupon and support your book habit.

  4. LMAO! He sure does know how to get himself out of trouble, doesn't he? hahaha

    How sad to see those numbers on my screen. I think I'm just going to pretend I didn't see that and go on in blissful ignorance of the actual amount of time I've spent bleeding like stuck pig, wishing I was dead - or a man - because of the cramping, and seriously considering castration as a fun and interesting way to spend my day.

    Oh, and I tell you what, if I hear, "Have a happy period, Always" from either my television/radio OR my husband one more time, I refuse to be held responsible for my actions.

  5. Awwww, your hubby may not truly understand, but he tries. So sweet.

    I completely hear ya about the cramps of the beginning days. I used to be in so much pain I have to rest in bed for the first few days. Of course, my monthly friend coming irregularly, it sometimes comes twice a month, or lasts for more than 8 days!!! O_o

    The numbers make me sad. Cuz I have much of that to look forward to. Ugh, cramps.

    On a happier note, you must let us know what you bought today. :D

  6. Ack! Made a doo-da. I'm not the same age as you Christine (misread the first time, not surprised), but not far off at all, so I'm still pissed right along with you lol.

  7. lmao! Omg Christine I can't believe you sat down and did the calculations! That is so funny. It's also freakin scary that I have to add 13 years onto that!

    Ah the joys of womanhood.

  8. I've been on b/c since I was 16 (low dose pills for 9 years, Nuva Ring for 2), so that means for the past 11 years I've been having 2-4 day cramp-free periods that require nothing more than regular tampons the first day or two and pantiliners the rest of the time. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones.

    And I do NOT plan on breeding.

  9. Well, I have to add 14 years to your age calculations, and I am beyond pissed that I haven't gone through menopause yet. My mother went through it at age 40...why oh why couldn't I?

    I am one of these women that will REJOICE when I go through menopause. I can't wait! I don't understand women who get depressed about it and feel like they are less of a woman for it. WTF? Bleeding once a month does not make me more of a woman or as one stupid woman I was talking to said..a "real" woman. Pfftt.

    And while I am ranting....Have a Happy Period??? Everytime I hear that ad I want to put my foot in the ass of the man that came up with that slogan.

    Thanks...I feel better now...I have to go find some chocolate.


    Sorry. I linked this as my interesting post of the week. I heart you, you mad math skilz woman.

    Period? No biggie. PMS? Makes me cry. WAA WAA WAA. For real.

  11. LOL @kmont! I said don't do the math!! I'll be ffffforty in *gulp* less than two months. I started with this girly stuff when I was 10. I was a few months shy of 11, I think. Anyway, its all very depressing. My daughter started hers at practically the same age. She still believed in Santa Claus at the time. That's just so wrong. :( I cried.

    I guess my husband tries to understand. He has no choice if he wants to survive. Right now, my daughter and I are closely synchronized. A couple of times we both started within hours of each other! And I bet my youngest is less than 3-4 years away from starting. Can you imagine all three of us at the same time? OMG Poor husband.

    JenB!!! I'm so happy for you that your periods are like... nothing. It sure sounds like YOU have a nice period, Always. NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS COMMENT THREAD, BITCH!!!

    LOL OMG I'm sooooooo kidding!!! I'm not jealous or mean spirited or anything like that. I still heart you.

    That was funny, though, right? ;)



    Sheesh. Someone's a bit hormonal!

    Oh, wait... That'd be ME.

    Kim & Tracy :: I empathize with you. That's a loooong time. Sorry to remind you, hun.

    LB :: Really? I got a special holla in the sidebar for my mathematic skillz?! I'm so flattered. Thanks.

    Everyone :: Thanks for the commiseration (Well... except for JenB, anyway :p )! And remember: Don't do the math!


  12. DAMNNNNNNNNN so this is why I failed math... b/c all it does is piss me off.

  13. *(&(%*&^)()(#^$#^()$#!

    *muttering under breath*

    ...but such a big aaawww *bats eyelashes*

    what a guy...does he know how to nip you in the bud or what?

    *blushes* that didn't come out just right. O.O


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